Tuesday, October 18, 2011

almost halloween

and we DO have a new house, and it IS amazing not to be renting anymore, and i am so much happier about the endless project list than i ever have been before, because this house is mine. forever. no, really, i am never doing this again. this is my forever house, i am going to die in this house. hopefully not soon, but you get my point. i am so happy with this house, so satisfied with our choice, so grateful for all the help we had from my family in getting the house...the process was a nightmare, the year in the worst rental house ever was a nightmare, but we have really woken up from a horribly stressful process in a beautiful space.
as usual, i am letting my life get too complicated, so i am turning to my neglected home/family blog to sort out my thoughts in public, cause that is normal, right?
project number one is a family calendar. project number two is a new house chore chart/binder. project number three is a master list of projects. it is cooling off, finally, and i am ready to get busy. pictures to follow. namaste, bitches!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

almost ours...

i think i can commit this to virtual reality now. it isn't ours yet, we are waiting for the financing to be finalized and then for closing. but it is almost ours, and i am going to just post this here and say, this is almost our home. because i am having serious anxiety and need to think positively.
so, here is the house that is almost ours.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

always broken goddess

ok, so we all know i am a poser indian, which i guess grants me a bit of being a poser hindu, as well. it really isn't my fault that i gravitate so strongly towards a culture that i have no blood ties to...it has always been the case. i didn't seek it out, i swear! i have streaks that draw me to japan (food, design, kawai, buddhism) and thailand (food, foliage, buddhism) as well, but my heart and soul just feels indian, i can't help it. i love the food, the collectivist culture, the penchant for chaotic color and decorating everything that has a surface, the films (ok, ok...hush.) i love the language, and learning it has been easier than by all rights it should be, at my age. so, this morning, my beloved friend kat posted this article about the goddess akhilandeshwari, literally translated as "the never not broken goddess". i am in the middle of mad laundry and housekeeping while the walls upstairs are being painted back to antique white semi-gloss so that our slumlords will return the extortion money that they demanded to allow me to paint it (colors!), so i can't really get into why this affected me so deeply today, but it did, so i wanted to blog it and keep it so i can come back to it when there aren't paint fumes, etc. please read it. it is amazing. namaste, bitches!

Friday, June 10, 2011

reviving this blog

i essentially abandoned everything having to do with keeping track of my daily life for almost a year. i am looking at where i left this blog, the photos i posted, what i was thinking and worrying about, and i feel like it was a hundred years ago. this has been the longest, most difficult year of my life since the first year of vincent's life. and that was different, had so many more moments of bliss to even out the agony and drudgery and most of all, the constant feeling of not knowing what i was doing. there have been precious few of those moments for me this year. since we made the decision to leave our lovely house in east dallas, i have felt anxious almost all the time, unsure of my decisions, insecure about the future, and generally uncomfortable in my own skin. you know, figuratively, since i am always physically uncomfortable. that has been unbearable this year too. a dull roar, but constant and disorienting. but i digress. i am not good at ambiguity. i am not comfortable in it, it really bothers me. i am nothing if not decisive, but each decision i have made for the last year seems to have been wrong. we decided to move to the suburbs and literally two days before we moved out of our house, the dream charter montessori school called to say that a spot had opened up for vincent. oops! they had told us several months before that there hadn't even been any spots open to hold a lottery, and that only unexpected, non-returning students would provide spots for the fall. we couldn't risk those odds, right? so that was my first feeling that we had made a mistaken decision. then, the house that i picked to rent was a nightmare, an absolute ridiculous nightmare, and that all seemed like my fault too. then i decided to cheer the place up by spending money to paint it pretty colors, and right now i am dealing with spending more money to get it painted back to white. it really is ugly white, by the way. but the colors couldn't have helped much because i have never, ever, even for one minute, felt at home in this place. which is now in the process of being packed, upended, repainted white, etc, etc. because we are moving into, what i hope will be our house, in the middle of our street, where it's usually quite loud, for many many years to come. we are waiting for the financing to be finalized, and closing. so it isn't our house yet. i am afraid to assume that things will happen as they should. i have had my confidence in my ability to make the world that i live in with my little family as it should be shaken. i hope that this house happens and that it is as good as i think it will be. i hope that i regain my inner confidence and feeling of competence. i hope for a lot, but i think you need to hope for what you want, and work for what you need. so i am going to work at getting this awful house packed up and vacated and just move my family forward as best i can. so i am reviving this blog, which was meant to be my open diary until what would have been written in it was too dark to commit to writing, let alone share. so do me a favor and follow me, comment here and there, and inspire me to keep it up, ok? ok, thanks. i mean it.