reviving this blog

i essentially abandoned everything having to do with keeping track of my daily life for almost a year. i am looking at where i left this blog, the photos i posted, what i was thinking and worrying about, and i feel like it was a hundred years ago. this has been the longest, most difficult year of my life since the first year of vincent's life. and that was different, had so many more moments of bliss to even out the agony and drudgery and most of all, the constant feeling of not knowing what i was doing. there have been precious few of those moments for me this year. since we made the decision to leave our lovely house in east dallas, i have felt anxious almost all the time, unsure of my decisions, insecure about the future, and generally uncomfortable in my own skin. you know, figuratively, since i am always physically uncomfortable. that has been unbearable this year too. a dull roar, but constant and disorienting. but i digress. i am not good at ambiguity. i am not comfortable in it, it really bothers me. i am nothing if not decisive, but each decision i have made for the last year seems to have been wrong. we decided to move to the suburbs and literally two days before we moved out of our house, the dream charter montessori school called to say that a spot had opened up for vincent. oops! they had told us several months before that there hadn't even been any spots open to hold a lottery, and that only unexpected, non-returning students would provide spots for the fall. we couldn't risk those odds, right? so that was my first feeling that we had made a mistaken decision. then, the house that i picked to rent was a nightmare, an absolute ridiculous nightmare, and that all seemed like my fault too. then i decided to cheer the place up by spending money to paint it pretty colors, and right now i am dealing with spending more money to get it painted back to white. it really is ugly white, by the way. but the colors couldn't have helped much because i have never, ever, even for one minute, felt at home in this place. which is now in the process of being packed, upended, repainted white, etc, etc. because we are moving into, what i hope will be our house, in the middle of our street, where it's usually quite loud, for many many years to come. we are waiting for the financing to be finalized, and closing. so it isn't our house yet. i am afraid to assume that things will happen as they should. i have had my confidence in my ability to make the world that i live in with my little family as it should be shaken. i hope that this house happens and that it is as good as i think it will be. i hope that i regain my inner confidence and feeling of competence. i hope for a lot, but i think you need to hope for what you want, and work for what you need. so i am going to work at getting this awful house packed up and vacated and just move my family forward as best i can. so i am reviving this blog, which was meant to be my open diary until what would have been written in it was too dark to commit to writing, let alone share. so do me a favor and follow me, comment here and there, and inspire me to keep it up, ok? ok, thanks. i mean it.

no shit, sherlock, or...well, thank you miss easter!

monday, after school, vincent and i were walking towards the crosswalk to go home, and miss easter, principal, stopped me and told me that "we are so proud of vincent, he is doing so well, etc. etc. that we don't feel that implementing the plan that we discussed is necessary..."

no shit, sherlock.

"oh, good! we were pretty certain that it was just an isolated incident, adjustment, blah blah blah..."

"yes, well, he seems to be doing quite well..."

yes, he does, because he is amazing and cool and smart and sensitive and i am very glad that you are getting a more accurate picture of him, getting to know him, and not jumping to crazy, negative conclusions about him anymore...

"thanks! we are feeling good about it, and vincent really seems to love school! see you at the picnic on thursday night!"

oy vey.

some pictures

after all my bitching, people are probably afraid to come over here! proof that my blood sweat and tears are starting to pay off...

my command central. still haven't unearthed my framed srk quote/photo that i had above my desk at work, but a spot to the right has been reserved...

the gray curtain to the right hides the laundry and shelf full of cleaning supplies.

a long shot of the kitchen.

note the hideous, swashbuckling, ponderosa-esque cabinetry. can you see the hammered black hardware? and that oven belongs in the smithsonian.
the floor is linoleum, friends.

hideous electric stove and questionable tile backsplash. excuse the diet supplies.

if i could only convey the slight stickiness of that varnished wooden wall next to the stove, you would shudder. i have scrubbed it with everything i could think of, including TSP, straight white vinegar, and a scotch brite. it is impermeable.

the family room, standing at the opening to the kitchen, and turning clockwise. the green walls have really been washed out by these photos, especially the one of the table. i have a large oval mirror in a beautiful silver carved frame that will go above the table, as soon as i get my butt to home depot for hangers. it's heavy.

i still need to make the curtains for these rooms, as well as for the front living room and vincent's room. i meant to unpack the art room today, but haven't gotten in there yet. loser.

upstairs pictures next.

progress

my mom came over friday and really helped me make some serious progress. now. everything that was in a box inside the house is unpacked. there are still boxes in the art/play room, and there are still boxes in the garage. but all common areas and both bedrooms are feeling much more put together. some things have been hung up on the walls, too, which really helps it feel more like home. i still need to make a trip to home depot for some mirror-hanging hardware, since i have decided to hang my huge oval mirror above the table.
i am still missing some specific things that motivate me to keep pushing through. our white ceramic dishes, for one. the rest of the breakable knick-knacks, which i culled through whilst packing and kept only the ones that were very meaningful...i am ready to find those. and by thursday, it is my goal to have all of that done, as well as the many, many, many family photos hung, american family style, on the wall going up the stairs.
we really have plunged full face into suburbia and elementary school life. our street is having a block party-type thing for national night out and we are planning to attend, bring our covered dish and two canned goods and the whole bit. meet the neighbors. be the good guys. we also have another school function this week, so we will be spreading out a blanket, i guess, and meeting more parents. i have two that i chat with when i pick vincent up already, so maybe we will sit together? this shit is as bad as actually being in elementary school. well, almost, since i do know for a fact that it is not the entirety of human existence, this game of socialization and popularity and alliances and appearances.
right?
in other news, the orientation for that elusive contract job is friday, hence the thursday deadline for the house. there is still no contract start date, so i have my friend who works at green oaks floating my resume to HR for a F/T therapist job on the women's unit. days, M-F. and if by days, they mean 7-3, i am going to fall on trying to get that job like white on rice. i won't be able to actually pick vincent up at school, but i can be home within 30 minutes of that. maybe earlier if i would be allowed to skip lunch? but i get ahead of myself. as usual.
finally, speaking of not eating lunch, i am starting the hcg diet protocol tomorrow. i will be blogging about it, but not here, and i am not sure if i want to publish that one, since it will mean exposing my weight and measurements to the world. i have a lot of shame about that, so maybe if anybody wants to read about it, they can leave me a message and i will email them the link. i wouldn't mind the support, i am just not sure i want my highschool boyfriend or people i have worked with to know those kinds of details about  me just yet.
really, and truly, will post pictures of the new house next time, since i did indeed unearth my card reader on friday.

oh and by the way...

i did not, of course, agree to repaint. i did, however, have to agree to a gigantic extra deposit because apparently it takes a total of THREE THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS of deposits to make sure i leave the place "like i found it".

really? so i will repaint it white and then call about 23 koreans to live in the house for two years, never clean, and make a lot of kimchee.


fuuuuuuck. you. i will repaint. it is my money, and my karma, and i like to have both intact.

wow.

the last couple of weeks have truly been the most stressful i can remember in my adult life.

let's see if i can recap in a nutshell...

the start date of my new contract job has been postponed. it was supposed to be september 1, now it is unknown. i do have orientation on the 24th, so i know it is a real job. i just want the contracts in place and referrals flowing my way. the psychologist who hired me said in an email about a week ago that she and the doctor that owns the company are certain that once we start, we will "all be so busy we will be wondering why we ever worried about the start date". that is encouraging, but i am, indeed, worried about the start date. this move has blown my savings completely, it is staggering.

starting with the movers showing up sunday morning with a very small truck, although the man that i booked my move with guaranteed me one trip after we discussed the contents of my house at length. josh asked if they had a bigger truck. they said they did, and left.

they never came back.

this forced me to employ, at the last minute and with no options, the most expensive movers on earth. my move cost me A THOUSAND DOLLARS. 5.5 hours, $129 an hour, plus a flat hour for their travel time. yep. the most expensive movers on earth. and also the slowest, honestly. it was a NIGHTMARE. but scheduling a move on sunday, for a monday holiday at that, is not easy.

it's over. we STILL had to rent a 90 dollar a day uhaul today to get the bits and pieces that the movers left behind, at our request, due to their hourly rate.

did i mention that this move has been a nightmare? that is only the first thing.

the toothless maintenance man apparently took photos of our paint jobs and emailed the owner, who then emailed me to paint the entire house back to "antique white semi-gloss" immediately, or be in breach of the lease, therefore forfeiting our right to maintenance, and, presumably, occupancy. i say "antique white semi-gloss" in quotes because he actually insisted that this was the original color of the walls.

the original color of the walls was actually "filthy dirty scuffed semi-puke".

it took hours and hours and hours of scrubbing with VOC-intensive cleaning compounds that i would normally never (need to) use. lots of swearing, tears and sweat and pain. i threw all the money i had left at my friend pete to finish the painting so i could do the cleaning, swearing, crying and hurting.

it is done. now, to unpack.

feeling better.

so last week, we got the keys to the new place and i promptly plummeted into a depressive tailspin. the place was filthy, looked forlorn and dingy, smelled horribly of kimchee, and just generally served to remind me that my plans to be a home owner this year just weren't gonna happen. i rallied and went to home depot to buy paint. i have a lot of feelings tied up in painting the walls. we never painted the walls here in almost 5 years. well, we did paint the playroom finally, about two years ago, after taking up the awful carpet and putting black and white checkerboard linoleum down...the walls looked downright brown after that, and i painted them two lovely shades of blue. but the whole rest of the house stayed white (ish) and i hung my stuff up and just ignored it. then, last year when we started looking for a home to buy, i comforted myself with the thought that soon, soon! i would be able to paint the walls whatever color i wanted.
i am big into painted walls. although i never wear colors, and for years i never decorated with colors, now i feel strongly about having color surround me. just two years ago i finally realized and admitted that i suffer from a bit of seasonal affective disorder, that is, the gray winters bum me out. to remedy that i went crazy for high wattage, full spectrum light bulbs, and lots of them. but what i really want is color.
hello, bollywood obsession. those colors, all those colors on everything...yes. that is what i need.
so, although we are renting this house, and probably (hopefully!) not for more than a year, i am painting all the rooms. all of them. different shades of blue, green, lavendar and gray. some red even, for trim, against some turquoise blue.

i am getting A LOT of help with this, although i planned to, and started to, do it all my own. see, josh thinks that doing all of this work is silly, but i don't agree with him. he says it is like painting a hotel room. but spending all of my time, which i have plenty of right now, since i remain unemployed, making this rental feel like mine, feel like home, isn't silly at all to me. it is necessary.

pictures next time.