Friday, June 10, 2011

reviving this blog

i essentially abandoned everything having to do with keeping track of my daily life for almost a year. i am looking at where i left this blog, the photos i posted, what i was thinking and worrying about, and i feel like it was a hundred years ago. this has been the longest, most difficult year of my life since the first year of vincent's life. and that was different, had so many more moments of bliss to even out the agony and drudgery and most of all, the constant feeling of not knowing what i was doing. there have been precious few of those moments for me this year. since we made the decision to leave our lovely house in east dallas, i have felt anxious almost all the time, unsure of my decisions, insecure about the future, and generally uncomfortable in my own skin. you know, figuratively, since i am always physically uncomfortable. that has been unbearable this year too. a dull roar, but constant and disorienting. but i digress. i am not good at ambiguity. i am not comfortable in it, it really bothers me. i am nothing if not decisive, but each decision i have made for the last year seems to have been wrong. we decided to move to the suburbs and literally two days before we moved out of our house, the dream charter montessori school called to say that a spot had opened up for vincent. oops! they had told us several months before that there hadn't even been any spots open to hold a lottery, and that only unexpected, non-returning students would provide spots for the fall. we couldn't risk those odds, right? so that was my first feeling that we had made a mistaken decision. then, the house that i picked to rent was a nightmare, an absolute ridiculous nightmare, and that all seemed like my fault too. then i decided to cheer the place up by spending money to paint it pretty colors, and right now i am dealing with spending more money to get it painted back to white. it really is ugly white, by the way. but the colors couldn't have helped much because i have never, ever, even for one minute, felt at home in this place. which is now in the process of being packed, upended, repainted white, etc, etc. because we are moving into, what i hope will be our house, in the middle of our street, where it's usually quite loud, for many many years to come. we are waiting for the financing to be finalized, and closing. so it isn't our house yet. i am afraid to assume that things will happen as they should. i have had my confidence in my ability to make the world that i live in with my little family as it should be shaken. i hope that this house happens and that it is as good as i think it will be. i hope that i regain my inner confidence and feeling of competence. i hope for a lot, but i think you need to hope for what you want, and work for what you need. so i am going to work at getting this awful house packed up and vacated and just move my family forward as best i can. so i am reviving this blog, which was meant to be my open diary until what would have been written in it was too dark to commit to writing, let alone share. so do me a favor and follow me, comment here and there, and inspire me to keep it up, ok? ok, thanks. i mean it.

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